my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
