Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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