the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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