Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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