I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
