Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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