I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
