Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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