Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
