The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
