Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
