I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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