I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
