oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
