just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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