it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
