I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
