I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
