maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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