I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
