I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
