God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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