Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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