Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize