sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
