I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize