why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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