I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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