I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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