arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
