there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
