maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
