I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
