Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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