I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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