They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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