yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
