I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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