I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
