Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
