Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
please come you make the beer taste better
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
