i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
