It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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