I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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