Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
