someone threw a dead crab at me
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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