"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
