Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize