she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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