she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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