Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize