Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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