Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
