pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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