At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
